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I Hate These Towels From Parachute

January 17, 2024
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I’ve been silent on the matter of Parachute’s Classic Turkish Cotton Towels for far too long. It’s time to speak my truth: I’m mad at these towels. 

You read that correctly. I’m livid at these towels and the maniacs who make them. Parachute has been widely acclaimed for their bedding – which, personally, I cannot speak to, as I am a Brooklinen devotée and not interested in being swayed. But when I needed new bath towels a year ago, I asked a friend with excellent taste in home goods for her recommendations, and she pointed me toward Parachute – specifically, their extra-large, plush Turkish bath towels that she claimed were both soft and substantial. I rue the day I took her advice and clicked “Purchase.”

10 Things I Hate About ‘Chute

As soon as I opened the package revealing my new Turkish bath towels in the undeniably elegant pebble-grey shade of Mineral, I knew one thing: 

It was over for my other towels. 

And another thing: 

I would be buying way too many of these.

Curse you, Parachute! You will be hearing from my attorney.

Let’s review all the diabolical qualities of Parachute’s Classic Turkish Cotton Towels.

  1. The thickness. After tolerating too many flimsy towels that felt unsatisfying on my just-showered body, I wanted something sturdy and plush. The evil geniuses at Parachute read my mind, overdelivering on a towel with a weight of 700 GSM (Grams per Square Meter) – for the towel novice, that’s about as hefty as you can get. It cannot be denied – this towel feels like a bear hug in heaven.

  1. They are crazy absorbent. Nobody wants a towel that leaves you wet and uncomfy, frantically shimmying to dry off. These? Get you dry FAST. They’re like a vacuum for water droplets, but a cozy, sexy vacuum. 

  1. The extreme softness. I’ve sometimes found Turkish towels to be lacking in the comfort department, but Parachute’s are buttery-soft, thanks to the high-quality, OEKO-TEX-certified, Long-Staple cotton and the aforementioned 700 GSM – which make the towels super plush and comfy to the touch. I could lounge in these towels all day long. And some days? I have.

  1. The chic, subtle colors. If you’ve ever dated a straight man in his 20’s (or heck, even 30’s), you are familiar with cheap navy blue towels. I don’t know why they all collectively gravitate toward this color, but that’s for another article. The point is, Parachute is serving only sophisticated hues to elevate your bathroom decor. Instead of navy, you’ll find Dusk – a lovely slate color with a touch of green in it. There are 6 other chic shades, including the gorgeous Moss that just dropped. How dare they! 

  1. Two words: Bath Sheet. Once you’ve tried an extra large bath towel, it’s hard to go back to regular. Parachute knows that all humans really want is to be cocooned in a big soft blanket, and that’s why they made the Bath Sheet, which measures 70"W x 40"L. Sure, you can get their standard Bath Towel (56”W x 30”L) but why would you? I myself always want the biggest, coziest option available and I’ll never apologize for it.

  1. They’re not even that expensive. The Bath Towel is $31.20 and the Bath Sheet is $47.20. A Towel Set (which includes 2 Washcloths, 2 Hand Towels, and 2 Bath Towels) is $122. I’m not saying that’s cheap by any means, but it’s comparable to other brands like Brooklinen and Boll & Branch and significantly less expensive than more high-end options. Honestly, I would probably pay a lot more for them since they’re so beautifully-made, but do not – I repeat, do NOT – relay this to the Parachute people!

  1. They made me wash my face more. After experiencing the luxury of the larger towels, I was inspired to pick up some washcloths to see if they would be just as good. And I am sorry to say that they are. They feel soft and gentle on my face and have boosted my face-washing game approximately 58%. (It’s not an exact science, but the point is, all of the Classic Turkish Towels are winners.)

  1. Free shipping and returns. Need I say more? Methinks I need not.

  1. They don’t shed! So many towels – even some luxury ones that shall go unnamed – shed lint all over your wet skin and face, killing your post-shower vibe and messing up your skincare routine. I’ve had towels that required multiple washes to finally break the shedding cycle. Parachute’s towels know how to make an exit – leaving nothing on the skin but warmth and coziness. 
  1. If you gift these, you’re basically gifting a self-care ritual. It’s unholy how many times I’ve gifted or recommended these towels. I’ve sent them to friends for a housewarming present. I’ve gone off the registry (a risky move) and sent them to just-married friends. I sent them to my mother, after being back in my childhood home and realizing that the towel situation needed a major upgrade. I tell almost anyone who even mentions the word “towel” that they must get these immediately.

What I don’t tell them is, “These towels will ruin your life.”

They will force you to give up your old towels. They convert all your extra leisure cash into Towel Money, as you challenge yourself to see how many shades and sizes of Parachute towels you can own. They will turn you into an obsessive Towel Person you barely recognize and yet can’t help but admire, as your bathrooms and linen closets become aspirationally serene and spark joy every time you see them. 

Hated By 1,500+ Other People

So many reviews, so many people who’ve got major beef with these game-changing towels: 

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I can’t possibly include all of these haters; you get the idea. Go ahead and add your name to list – order your Classic Turkish Cotton Towels ASAP. But you’ve been warned!!!



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